Monday, September 14, 2009

So when is the right time baby

I am confused.

Do bells ring? Or is it the voice inside? Or is it the bank statement? Or is it those relatives? Or will I dream of it one fine night?

Now you are confused too, right? Well I am talking about the right time. The right time to become a parent? How will I know?

Having been married for more than 3 and half years doesn’t serve the occasion too well either. Polite questionings have long been replaced by direct and often rude enquiries from all sorts of relatives. From ducking the questions, to giving polite replies to being rude, I have been there and done that.We were never the ones to base our decisions on what some vague aunty suggested so these inquisitive relatives could very well be kept aside.

But again, how do we know we are mentally ready to for a baby? Living the kind of lives we do, where there is no time for sleep, where careers rule our lives, where we pack our bags and leave for a trip impromptu, where everything happens without a plan. So how will we know if we are ready for the change? The only way to know it is to experience it. And what if we don’t like it then?

Could my feeling very happy when a friend’s 3 years old son decides to sit on my lap be taken as an indication? Does it mean anything when I beam at seeing those little ones smile at me? Or the fact that these days I invariable end up picking up and baby talk to some little one at the mall? This is all a very new phenomenon. I was not the types who run after children.

But again, I don’t think this new change can be taken as a cue. So then how will I ever know?

When we got married we thought we would be ready to have a child in 2 years time. After all 2 years seemed enough to settle down. It’s been 3 and half years and we are still as naive about the whole thing.

Looks like I am waiting for some divine intervention. Maybe I should consult a palmist or an astrologer. So all you parents out there, how did you know that the time indeed was right? Do any of you have regrets?


Anonymous said...

There is nothing that would *tell* you when the right time comes in. In our case, it was just the natural way of things to be. We never *planned* (after 2 years of marriage) when to have a baby, though we did get a little worried when *nothing* happened even after 4 years of marriage.
And even after that, I never felt the desperate urge to have a baby. I guess the maternal instinct came in only after I found out about my pregnancy :-)

Mama - Mia said...

oh well! you just cant plan enough to have a baby! i mean once you know you are financially ok and you can accept that your life is gonna change forever and you are set! and most of this change is good! ofcos there are bad times when you wish you could run away from it all, but mostly its fun! :)

frankly too much thinking will not take you anywhere because like Puja said there is absolutely no way of knowing that this is indeed the right time!

so just relax and take it one day at a time! i found it easier to look at it like a natural progression rather than a life altering event that shakes you up! but not everyone thinks like that! :)



Anonymous said...

Few say life can be lived without marriage.
Actually materialistic life has made people insecured.

Tara said...

ahem ahem :)riding on the same boat.

while we are clear as to what we want and when, I would love to read comments on this here.

With time, some things just happen..((hugs))

Swati said...

Well we thought we have to be done by 2 , by 35 years of age and so first one shoud come sometime after 2 years. God decided to prepone that further by few months.

But now for the second one I am not able to gather courage means so much of time and commitment and we dont feel ready..lets see

Monika,Ansh said...

It happened very funnily with us. Before marriage, it was hubby who always used to talk abt how he wanted kids early while I resisted. After marriage it was the opposite. Somehow, it just happened that I wanted a baby soon after marriage. I guess 6 years of courtship later, it was a natural progression. So I conceived just 6 months after marriage.
I've never ever planned anything or thought too hard abt anything. The more one plans, the more confusing it can get.

Just call me 'A' said...

Iya when you get answers to these thoughts, questions etc pleaseeee do tell me too. I'm in the same to same boat and in the same to same feeling to other random kids around but not sure if the time is right. I seriously don't know when that will be!

soul speaks said...


I have been an avid reader of your posts and to be honest has been missing your posts since you have been pursuing latest interests of swimming and tweeting... as per you. hi..hi ;)

I can very well understand your confusion, has gone through this and really first thing to do is just weed off these small little seeds of doubt and anxiety about the timing, whether it's the right time or not etc because it then grows into small plants of worry and then clutches on to your very being and starts smothering you at every opportunity and you fret and fume. Leave everything to Almighty before doing a little introspection and some planning like who will take care of you and the baby initially, later when you resume your career, will you be able to leave the child with a maid , or someone will be there to help you out, do you have a flexi time option etc. once these things are sorted out, remain happy as you are always and things will start falling in place.

I know my post smells of too much familiarity, maybe because I had been reading your posts regularly but at the sametime you do not know me sorry for this. Sorry in advance if I am being too close for comfort..

And sorry for eating up so much space of your comments section.

Wish you all the best always

Monika said...

oh well very interesting post... Iya I dont think there can ever be that one thing that would tell u that u are ready to be a parent...

its a combination of a lot of things but most importantly about your feelings..are u ready for the responsibility and a little one along with the two of u...

all of those things that u mentioned and many more are just indications... sometimes u get them sometimes u dont ;)

the more u think the more u will get confused... i will say if are more or less stable and ur heart says yes then go for it girl..

i am ready to be doula :D

Monika said...

forgot to add, for me it the strong urge i kept getting inside me that i want to be a mother and also the urge luckily happened at the same time we had planned we will have one

Meira said...

The non-parent perspective:
Confusing yes. TS and I back -calculated...If we want to retire by 55 and go settle someplace, we'd like our kids to be not-financially dependent on us. So we got to have kids before I'm 30. :D( because we want to hve kids)
Since we want two, so the first, somewhere when I'm 27...and so on.
Now of course everything will not go as planned, and nothing might go as planned...but this way we have some goal :D
PS: My colleague warned me about 'unknown infertility'...I'm inquiring about it during my next gynec appointment.

Iya said...

@ Puja – I just hope for us to it is natural. I have been thinking a lot about this lately and all this thinking has made me even more confused!!

@ Abha – but urs was planned right? So how did u know tht u were ready?

@ Hobo – didn’t understand your comment!!

Iya said...

@ Tara – I wish we had that clarity

@ Swati – even I have tried that age thing, and the fact that I just turned 28 still gives me a lot of time.

@ Monika,ansh – Thinking about that, aman and me were together for 2 years before we got that takes the total duration to 5 and half years. I guess we shud be ready then??

Iya said...

@ A – I sure will, once I reach a conclusion I will have a separate session for all non moms!!

@Rekha – first of all thanks so much. Its great that you decided to write something today. And no, you didn’t take too much space.. I guess you are right. The more I think the more I get confused..

@ Monika – u r right, and there are somethings that do tell me that the time is right

@ Meira – ya babes, I have tried doing that too. I just turned 28 so that gives me a few more years right?

Dil se said...

Iya: Been there, done that!! Had my first kid 3 years ago after 6 yrs of marriage. I can understand that with both partners working, it kind of makes you think whether you'll be able to handle all the responsibilities and pressure or not. For me, the deciding factor was that I decided to give my work a backseat for a while.and prepared myself mentally to take over this responsiblity and give my 110% to it. And yes, the calculation method as shown by Meira was also a deciding factor.

Dil se said...

Forgot to say: Good luck in your decision process. Whatver you decide will be best for you both, is all I can say :-)

Mumbai Diva said...

no babes. it doesn't happen that way. you don't wake up one day and realize that you're ready for a baby. I've been married 9 whole yrs and it hasn't happened to me!!

I've had friends who've not had to plan, they've just discovered that they're pregnant. And then again I've had friends who've calculated and come up with the right time to have a baby and then worked towards it.

somewhere i agree with meira.

But, I think it's really your call. Both of you. all the best, sweetie :)

Solilo said...

Iya, I was never the one who had maternal instinct. In fact never craved for kids. Then don't know when and how we decided to have a child and then I wanted one badly. Got pregnant and now wouldn't want my life any other way. Love being a mom.

Become a mom only when you are prepared for it. Just ignore those direct questions. Your life is nobody's business.

Solilo said...

Since you asked, I would like to say that it won't be a bad idea to make a visit to your ob/gyn. You know just have a routine check-up, pelvic etc. to know that everything is normal and may be you can start taking folic acid too. Just preparing your body for it. So that when you guys really want to, you don't have to hurry up and stumble on some problems.

Ekta said...

For us too it was planned. And since I was in the US and not working at that time, the decision was easy. Although not easy as it sounds...and specially when both the partners are working. In such cases the decision to have a baby usually takes a back seat.
The first and foremost thing to decide upon is whether or not you are ready to take the responsibility. Because this is something which you can not back out after a while.
Also the other factor is your age. Its always good to have your first child at a reasonable age say 27-28, so that when he old enough, you can plan the second one(if you wish to). So that when you retire, your kids are financially independent.

D said...

I envy people who can just say I've been married for so many years and therefore should have a baby. They don't really think too much about it. But I'm not that kind of a person.

Someone once said to me about parenthood that it's a one-way road. Once you set out on it, there's no coming back! That bit of advice has always stayed with me and I've used that to wonder if I am prepared for it.

Meira said...

You know, I've never come across people who've regretted having kids. Its probably just us non-mommies-and-daddies who worry too much. No?

Poppins said...

Nice comments and post. I agree with whatever most folks have said. I backtracked and said two kids before 30 (eventually it was 31) so got pregnant at 27. Meanwhile I made sure to get a pre-checkup at the gynaec. If you're fairly stable financially, have no objections to having children per se, then go for it.

With biology the earlier the better - after all you never know how long it might take to get pregnant. (or you may get pregnant the very next month :)

But also do know that conception and childbearing is optional it's not necessarily a natural progression from marriage. If you want to, have kids of your own you will know. And even if you're not the maternal sort, it will all come to you after childbirth. That much is true.

Iya said...

@ Dil Se – thanks ya, for me I don’t want to give work a back seat!!

@ Mumbai Diva – you know I am sure that I want to have a kid, wondering if I am rushing into things

@ Solilo – you know, fortunately we aren’t the types to be bothered by questions. Have faced enough and more in past 3 years..and yes, I want to have a child. The only thing is when??

@ Ekta – but how will I know if I am ready to take the responsibility??

@ D – I wonder each day if I am prepared. Some bit of logical thinking like support sys, finances etc tell me I am. One day I feel now is the time and next day I feel no not yet!!

@ Meira – thinking about it, even I haven’t come across any!! So then Meira, we shud top worrying right!!

@ Poppins – oh yes of course. I m under no pressure. One fact we know for sure that we do want to become parents. But like I have been saying, I am just confused when!!

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Anonymous said...

Hi there!
Came over from Blogadda's Tangy Tuesday picks. Loved the directness and innocence in your post. In response to your post, I believe the right time for a baby is when you and your partner get bored of seeing each other the whole time, and need some beautiful distraction ;-)

hitch writer said...

congrats on the tangy tuesday pick !!!!!

I just asked my wife why and when did we decide... !!! my son is 5 years.. so..

she and I would answer this as joint... we just felt we wanted to have a kid after 3 years of marraige... finances were ok... and age right... we had 3 years of fun together... before that 3 years of college together... and before that 8 years of school togehter... !!!! lol !!!!!

Iya said...

@ Revada - i will surely check the song out. hoping it solves my questions too..

@ Writerzblock - welcome to my page..ur suggestion is nice, but consedering how crazy we are about each other, i dont see myself getting bored of him anywhere in near future!!!

Iya said...

@ Hitch Writer - thanks ur joint answer. we have been together for 5 and half years now..but again is that an indication??

Pixie said...

I loved you post!
Sorry, I have no suggestions to add, because we both seem to be sailing in the same boat! :D

I am equally confused...

And of course! Congratulations on the Tangy Tuesday pick! :)

Iya said...

@ Pixie - thanks so much..
and yes, i am sure u too are as confused!!!

Imp's Mom said...

Loved your post, beautiful and straight from the heart Iya...

the most imp thing to look at would be biology...the age factor..and if ur financially stable...then go for it.. but nothing can ever prepare you for it...its a roller coaster ride, crazy, fun and exhilarating... and can get pretty nauseous too.

don't bother abt the realtives, its ur life.

I love being a mom, one smile one hug one kiss is enough to make it worthwhile.

numerounity said...

Not yet a parent but love to be. It is such a wonderful feeling which takes your life to next level.

roop said...

I think I am ready. why? dunno ... i sorta just woke up with the feeling hehe. now only if I didn't have to 'work for it'. :D i'd rather play and let it be. like someone said, u never know with biology, who knows how many months it might take. so it's best leaving it to luck and enjoy the process even if we've gotta get it sorted before 28th year as per meira's logic. inshallah. ;)

What an honest post though! so many women can relate to it.

Amitabha Ghosh said...

Hi Iya, Just chanced upon your blog and reading the post, could not hold back from writing this comment.
We had a love marriage and was enjoying life. And though "questions" kept being popped about parenthood, I had a very clear idea that I was not feeling responsible in enough to become a parent. Ditto thought my wife. And question obviously became more pointed with time but my being firm generally kept people at bay!!
In fact it was after 5 years that we felt that we wanted to be parents and were blessed with a lovely daughter.

Regrets: Well, life has a fully different dimension after parenthood. Today after a tiring official trip / day at work, when you go home, she is the perfect antidote and it makes my eyes a little moist with joy.

Cynic in Wonderland said...

strangely enuf, i have a post ( a serious introspection on this too!) - i think all of us struggle with this decision and its never seems to be the right time. too much work. too little work. family is cranky. something else is always more urgent. Wish i knew the solution

Deeps said...

Hi Iya,coming here after a long time..came here through blogadda!

After reading the post,felt I should share my thoughts too on it.My husband & I decided to extend our family after 3years of marriage..we were pretty clear on the initial years were spent living our marriage to the hilt,in masti..LOL
and then by the end of 3years,we could easily make our minds up to promote ourselves to the next role!Although we had to wait another 3years to welcome Namnam into our lives,every moment of our life has been blessed.It is a role that I'm really proud of.
So,Iya,all I'll say is bring a child if you are really ready and if it is what you really want.

Good luck,Iya :)

Deeps said...

Hey,I see my name mentioned in your blogroll..thanks,I'm honored..but I havent seen you drop by my page ever since I've shifted to wordpress..thats sad :(

Anand S said...

The Q is certainly loaded. But here's another diverse perspective which i think is also pertinent.

1.Remember the biological clock is tickin away. know many such couples which kept pushing the decision out and then nature pushed the decision even further. Final stop series of medical interventions.

2.My Dad says and I concur that have all the children u want before 30 yrs of age, reason by the time you are 55 they are 25 and up and running on their feet. So even if we are gone their lives have anchored.

3. Parenthood is a virus which gets onto you as you go thru it. Their are times when u miss the wild unadulterated fun but then those little smiles can make them meaningless.

So my Dear Iya, there are accidents but no divine interventions. I thin got set 9 months for the process so we could bond with the baby even befre it came to our lives.

BTW I read ur blog for 1st time and kind of set me thinking, I should vent it out too.

Smitha said...

Hopped over from Blogadda.

We waited for 5 years before we decided to have a baby.. And that was when we felt ready for it.. It made sense for us at that point in time.. We had had a lot of fun together as a couple and felt that it was time to take it to the next level. It was ideal, with our careers and everything. So I think it is when both the partners are mentally prepared for it.. Neither should feel pushed into it.. It should feel right, I guess :)

Rush said...

sailing in the same boat lady...with all the travel, hopping continents, i guess it can never be the perfect time to decide...there will always be ifs, buts, whys...big question marks??'
and then one day i realise, why am i pushing it off? these issues are always gonna stay!! i dont wanna be 35odd and then plan for a kid.
I know i surely want one...lets go for it!!

Reflections said...

Anything I wanted to say is already mentioned in all the comments:-))

So will just content myself by saying....

A good thoughtful post:-))!!!!

Swati said...

It depends , if you wish 2 kids , then this is the time

Mama - Mia said...

i like what Anand said! tho most of us marry late to not get as many as we want (in my case 2) till we hot the 30 mark!

i didnt know i was ready. i dont think you can ever know that you are ready to have sleepless nights, get your nipples cracked, smell poo everywhere and change clothes about 30times in a day! :p

and then somewhere along the line everything gets easier, there are toothless grins everywhere, then the baby talk and the hugs and kisses and you wonder about life that existed before the baby! :)

so i think one has to take financial and biological concerns in your mind and take the plunge!



Rashmi said...

Came here via bloghopping..this is topic close to my heart as i m also a new mom and gone through all this jiggles few months back only...

I would say..dont think too much..Motherhood is the best thing that could happen to a women..U will never feel confident enough to handle baby until and unless u have one in ur arms....

I never regret of having my baby in my life...i regret..why i waste time in thinking to have her or not :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi, Saw ur photos on FB, taken during ur recent bloggers meet !!! And came to ur blog, thru Swaram.

Since both my pregnancies were never planned by me, I am at a disadvantage to explain to you, that the time has come to become a mother.

I think you shld be physically fit (pl have a regualar check-up with your gyneac), mentally strong to take up the responsibility of another life upon you and manage your career, too. Not only you, even your partner shld feel the same.

ani_aset said...

aaah i like the honesty with which you post your blogs iya :)..compile all the suggestions and post it soon :D

Anonymous said...

Reached here via blogadda!! I had missed this post during my blog break :(

Iya I never felt any special feelings about babies until I was pregnant... in fact that too, also after the the first trimester and all the nausea was over!

Since you are sure you do want a baby then I liked the idea of planning backwards :) This is too personal and would differ for everybody.

One thing I feel is once they are born, they change your life, they do become the priority, and they change your life completely ... :)

My best wishes :)

Rohini said...

You'll never know. You'll never feel ready. It's just one of those things you have to do on faith. And no, no regrets.

I wrote something a long time ago that you might want to read. Here

Priya said... your post and have been following all comments too. And no need to tell you the reason...yeah, you guessed it too confused and awaiting that so called "signal." Anyways, the day you figure it out, let me know - how and what it is!

Pinku said...

sweety, let the precautions take a back seat....go wild and do the deed just like that.

God and nature will decide when you are ready and send a lil bundle just for the two of you...

Lakshmi said...

Hi, Came here bloghopping!

We had several things in our checklist to be done before baby, like my graduate studies, our greencard and a house. It does sound boring! That took 4 years. Questions from parents and friends was not a good enough reason for us. I bet you will know when it is time. You are right, you cannot rewind, so you better be sure :)

Stupidosaur said...

How did you 'know' that you were 'ready' for marriage?

This seems like a similar question.

I guess you did answer the first 3 yrs back. Answer this one similarly.

Gyanban said...

Here are some of my observation which could come in handy -
So Remember

if you choose to have a baby -

having a kid is not a project or a mission.
Prepare for a life time of incessant commitment.
Remember women go through more tough times than men.
Don't bow to society pressure.
Don't bow to peer pressure.
Don't bow to family pressure.
Beware of the why-don't-I have-a-baby when you see cute kids your neighbor has.
The real story actually begins after you ve delivered the baby.
Mental,Emotional ,Financial planning will take center stage.
Having one at a later stage increases complications not only physically,but also mentally.
Having a toddler creep on you with tiny fingers early in the morning is the single most rewarding experience.

if you choose not to have a baby -

Having a toddler crap on you early in the morning is the single most disgusting experience.
Beware of the i-want-a-baby-pang when it is biologically too late.
If you don't want a baby - you don't. period.
Your legacy will continue on hard disks.
You don't need to have a baby because everyone you know has one...
Beware of the why-did-i-have-a-baby pang when your freedom goes for a toss,career takes a back seat and support system is minimal.
Beware of the they-can-manage-so-can-we syndrome. Each family goes through a unique set of situations.
Don't bow to society pressure.
Don't bow to peer pressure.
Don't bow to family pressure.

I know this might sound crazy but - if you want a baby - just do it. period. no amount of calculation,practical thinking,planning is really 100% accurate.

I have know people who are extremely happy not having a kid.
I have known people who are extremely happy having a kid.
I have known people who are extremely unhappy having a kid.
I have known people who are extremely happy having someone else's kid.
I have known people who are extremely unhappy having someone else's kid.

So When in doubt -Reject. When no doubt-Accept.

Haddock said...

Maybe I should consult a palmist or an astrologer. . . . . . . . .

I would advice a strict no no for that.

Haddock said...

On second thoughts, I would say, plan it in such a way so that when you (and hubby) retires, your kids must be self dependent. Work backwards.

As for being busy and where there is time. ... looks valid but sit and think. . . . .if you continue working this way, there never will be time.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

its been two years since i am married...i am being forced too..i don't know why but i hate it when people ask me..i guess frankly speaking its none of their business...after all its my body that will be bearing the pains, its my life that will be changed...and over all i am studying i am working i am still adjusting in a nw country..will these nosey relatives be here to help me out? Thanks for this post I too wanted to write one but didn't as my blog is being read my nosey relatives! I sometimes get so depressed due to their nagging questions..

Ms.Chitchat said...

Very interesting post. The same thought would have gone to 'n' number of people around the world with no definite answers.

I feel when you are financially stable and mentally prepared to handle an addition into your lives (which requires lot of dedication and adjustments), then you are ready.

Following you.


Serendipity said...

I wonder if people actually know, or it just happens.

Im not married so im not the right person to comment too, but ths post was so genuine and cute i felt!

Preeti said...

ehehhehe...yea you will get divine intervention , when one day your protection will fail ...and all of sudden u'll be preggy :P

I never wanted to have my own baby ...but I would love to adopt a baby girl someday :) and that someday will be when I could afford a full time maid, time and luxury for my baby ...also when i'll be ready to handle society as a single parent no one will be sharing my pains /gains ...i wont be consulting anyone ...:)

as for you , YOu and Aman and sit and decide ...and then give it a shot ..

Anonymous said...

hmmm will be in the same boat soon...dunno what the answer is..but your post is so straight from the heart and simple that it made me think..the replies too are interesting...
...*still thinking*

warm wishes for the year ahead and Merry Xmas:)

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Mampi said...

LOL, going by the last few comments and the non-posting of anything on your blog, I think you have given up on asking questions.
Where are you Iya?

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Wife Anew said...

ah :) I am in this situation now..hopped onto your blog and loved it really... my husband and I have been married for 1 1/2 years now and the number of requests for the families (both of ours) 1st grand child is an every day affair! I've told them all, we are at it, but it will happen when it has to! I can't rush it just facilitate it. All is well now :)

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Not bad article, but I really miss that you didn't express your opinion, but ok you just have different approach

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