Monday, November 17, 2008

Of Forgiveness

Z and I have been friends for almost a decade. And not just any friends but really good ones.
I know Z well enough. She isn’t bad at all and neither does she mean any disrespect. She is plain lazy. She promises and forgets about it. She doesn’t mean to but she simply does. But as I said I have known her for a long time and I understand her. I actually have been stood up by her a million times. But she apologizes and I forgive. That’s how our friendship has been. I am otherwise quite unforgiving but with Z I am a little enduring. I hate waiting but with Z I do wait. Like I said that’s how our friendship has been.

Now about 3 months back she made plans of going out for dinner with me and this time we included Aman too. It was all set, she was to come to my place and then we were to leave for the restaurant.
But last moment she got busy with some stuff and didn’t turn up. I called her once but her phone was busy. Although I wasn’t shocked at her behavior but this time I was truly angry. Breaking promises with me who is her long time friend is one thing but how could she do so with Aman?

It’s been 3 months and I haven’t spoken to her. I can’t bring myself to forgiving her.

Why is it so difficult for me to forgive her this time around when similar stuff has happened in the past as well?
Why is my anger not receding?
Why am I stuck on this?
Is it because this time Aman is there in the picture. Is it because I can take things on myself but I couldn’t handle her breaking the commitment when Aman was involved too?
Am I right? Or am I over reacting?

16 comments:

Mampi said...

Well, No, you are not over-reacting. She must understand that people need to work hard to be able to retain friends. You know what, a giving relationship-a one sided giving relationship never works for long.
But I think you need to give her a piece of ur mind about this. Who knows it might shake her out of her slumber?

Masood said...

I think earlier when she stood you up, some part of you always felt bad and disrespected but, since such things happen in friendship, you were more than ready to forgive and move on.

But when she did this with Aman (not showing up is nothing but disrespecting you guys and her commitment), that pissed you off. And I don't blame you. Sometimes you are ready to take things on yourself but when it comes to the partner - it's different!

Do you really need this friend in your life so bad? Or is it just something you do because you've been doing it for a while? Clearly, one of you is not taking this relationship seriously. And it is not you!

Jagjit said...

Call Z and take her case. Things would be normal again. No, I am serious. Try it, I am sure it will work. It has worked for me.

june said...

whats her take?

Kanupriya Sindhu Ramrakhyani said...

Hmmm as per me you are right and not over-reacting, if she is doing this often then that means she is not serious about the relationship which she shares with you. Otherwise she could not have repeated it often.
But for the sake of childhood relationship, you may like to check out the reason of cancelling her plans that day again when she was knowing your spouse is also going to come along with you, if her reasons are genuine enough you can think of talking it out and forgiving as one last chance and if the reasons are not convincing enough you better let go of this relationship.

Monika said...

u are not over reacting she should have been on time or atleast called but then this is what friendship is right... forgiving u have shown her the anger that u should have not why not make up. she would have learnt her lesson by now... true friends are difficult to find... dont loose one... atleast hear her out

Iya said...

@ Mampi – the dilema is that she is also very giving but in a different sort of a way…

@ Masood – u r right… I took it on myself but couldn’t take it on Aman. And yes I do need this friend… she is very special and has her own way of expressing…

@ Jagjit - :( cant bring myself to calling her yet… maybe some more time

@ June – she said sorry and said that I took it all wrong…

@ Kanu – but she is a very special friend… and I know she had her reason…but that’s in retrospect… my anger is prceeding my logic here

@ Monika – I guess you are right… but like I said I cant bring myself to talking to her yet… and yes this is one friend I am sure will always stand by me… I wish she hadnt done that…

Mumbai Diva said...

My take: if you're good friends, thrash it out with her. Firstly, it'll help you to get it off your chest and you won't simmer and will be able to move on beyond the incident. Secondly, a heart to heart will also give you an idea on how much she values your friendship. If at any point during the chat you feel you're not convinced, maybe it's time to move on.....

Aman said...

Ok, I hereby confirm that I was not hurt. I completely understand that this dinner was supposed to happen just a day before she was supposed to leave for her sojourn in America.

I think if you have understood her all the way then why not this time when things seem to be really genuine, she was not chilling out or hanging around with friends, she hadn't packed, reminisce the nausea you feel when you are supposed to go out of the country for a day or 2 and here she was going to be out for more than a year...

Stand up and embrace her!!!

Call her from Singapore only...

june said...

i love you aman! :)

deeps said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
deeps said...

little progress everyday!
taking small steps will pay off than gient leaps.....

Cynic in Wonderland said...

...personally if she is a friend and worth a decade of waiting call her and fight it out rather than stonewall.

just my two bits for whatever its worth.

my space said...

we do allow some people to walk all over us..she did that cos you allowed her! having said that life is too short for grudges..as far as i can make out you are genuinely fond of her..so call her give her a piece of ur mind and get it out of ur system! no point in simmering..at times we need to give some time and space to heal ..

Iya said...

@ Mumbai Diva - yeah..u r right i guess...
@ Aman - i am not as good as u...
@ June - thanks...i will take it as a compliment
@ Deeps - ya..but not in this case i guess
@ Cyn - i need some more time...
@ Aarti - tru, i am in the process of giving this issue some time and space...

nEha said...

Goshh...the above thoughts have made a story in my mind where in u are the lady ,Z the villean, and finally grand entry of the hero as a saint...haha
But seriously u shud not expect nythin from ur so called frenz.Believe me.Coz the minute u expect,they will shatter u.It dosent mean they do not like u.Let them give u surprises, u'll be more than happy.